TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the vision behind Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're conversing Damascus, the town historically recognized for ancient lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It should be huge. Incredible!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom connect with, streamed with the putting inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've experienced stunning ceasefires in Syria. Some of the finest. But now, we're making them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and entirely from put. Created by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A a few-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • And a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable drinking water. But Indeed, absolutely sure, let us have A further put where American Males can dress in robes and simply call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas policy analysts are contacting this quite possibly the most audacious peace endeavor given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though past negotiations failed below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is easier: give everyone a set within the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by paperwork revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is smooth ability," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a contract as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock needs much less diplomats and a lot more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms set up in Every single unit. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination famous, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a very war zone. It's that he must end using it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned with regards to the job, replied, "You know, man, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic persons. Good tan. In any case, do I still have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "foreseeable future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of the Levant."



Satellite Shots Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the hotel's landscaping sorts a large Trump head obvious from space, a aspect remaining marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents along with the chin is… effectively, categorised.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits just after acquiring the developing's gold plating mirrored a lot of daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set hearth to an area melon cart.


"It truly is not only ugly. It's a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Puzzling Options


Perhaps the strangest aspect of the tower Trump Tower Damascus is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium in which company could ponder vague disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with local weather Manage established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Regional Syrians are unsure what to generate of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-year-aged Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Method: "In the event you Bomb It, They can Come"


The ad marketing campaign, lately leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Forever."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll carried out inside a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% explained "exactly where's the closest elevator for the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The challenge is previously attracting interest from Global investors, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll acquire a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional level may even contain:




  • A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Depending on the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait around to discover a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a hotel exactly where my PTSD can have transform-down company."


A further write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian basically requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Experiences advise:




  • China could open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to develop a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Last Feelings in the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It wanted gold. It required a waterslide shaped such as Constitution. I gave it all 3. You might be welcome."

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